a change is gonna come...

time for a little experiment...

for so long i have shown unwavering loyalty to those closest to me, expecting nothing in retuou rn. i am sick and tired of pouring everything into something and getting nothing out.

call it selfish, call it whatever you want. i dont care. not anymore.

so we'll see who really cares.

some have till the end of the week, some have 2 weeks, some have a month.

you're on the clock, so called "friends"

Jobs and free time

the golf course cut my hours. i now only work 12 hours a week.

which i am not complaining about. i am beginning to rather dislike that place.

but this has left me with an ample amount of free time. but all my friends work. a lot. i need to get a new book.

this was a lame update. but i felt as though i needed to update to clarify my drastic change in mood from my last one.

whining

is sometimes ok...

i miss camp. so much.
i literally cried today. i haven't cried like that in years. probably not since my grandpa died.

i am so ready for summer to be over. so i can put it out of sight, out of mind. anything that would help....

it would be easy if i could just do that. just cut all ties to that place and move on...

but i know i can't.... i never could. not in a million years.

i need someone to tell me its going to be ok, but not to tell me that this is God's plan and that if i was meant to work at camp then i would. Why would God plan that. i refuse to believe God wants me in this much pain.

i need to believe that.

wow.... i whine a lot

i was reading this blog... it kind of depressed me how much i whine.

life is good. so good. :)

from now on... no more whining. atleast about stuff that doesn't matter.

I have some incredible friends, good health, a family that loves me, and God has provided for me when i deserved nothing.

so whats there to whine about?

clearing my head.

i need out.
i am trapped.
i have never felt more alone in my life.
so i am going to the One i know is always there for me.
and to do that i need to get away from here.

attached.

My brother described me in a way that I had never heard before, but i now realize is probably the perfect description of me. He described me as "attached". He explained that i just get attached to people, places, and things very easily. As i have thought about it, this is so freaking true in every aspect of my life.

I get very attached to friends. Almost to the point where i feel incredibly connected to them and their well-being.

I went to my seventh duluth high school graduation today. I plan to teach at Duluth High School. I still drive by the house i lived in for 10 years just to look at it. If that isn't attached, i don't know what is.

I still to this day use a junior golf club that i have had for like 10 years. I just hit it well, and have never taken it out.

I drove more than 80 hours to go to Florida Football games last fall. This season will be even more.

A lot of people see this a good thing. like dedication. but it can also be horrible.

I get attached in relationships. Laura Pitts. Enough said.
What gets me into more trouble is this happens before the relationship even starts.

I get attached to people who really aren't good for me, but i won't stop caring about them.

I became attached to my routine this year, which wasn't good.

I became attached to something so horrible, that almost ruined my life.



I have asked people how they would describe me. They say passionate, caring, sensitive, friendly, dedicated. All those things can be traced back to attached.

Attached. take it or leave it. thats who i am.

summer 2009.

here's how the summer is laying out.

working at the georgia trail. a golf course. really enjoy it, but its not what i want... it's getting harder as time goes on. but i am going to be a screamer. that should help.

boston trip is out. but we are planning a sweet camping trip.

working a ton. need the money.

i lost hope, so i will be at home all year. should be interesting.

I had two completely different things happen to me this weekend. Eric told me he has never seen someone grow as much in one year as i have. My aunt spent 10 minutes on sunday telling me how i am a screw up. how does that add up?

what a year. lets recap.
1. i "fell in love" with a girl, thought she might be the girl i was going to marry.
2. had the worst experience of my life.
3. the girl dumped me, still don't know why.
4. we haven't spoken in 5 months. so i lost a good friend too.
5. got hit by a car.
6. got mugged at knife point.
7. lost the opportunity to work at camp.
8. got rejected from uga
9. lost hope
10. severely threatened multiple relationships because i have been a wreck all year, short-tempered, and moody as all get out.

at the same time...

1. by the grace of God i have begun to overcome something incredible
2. have joined a d-group that completely altered my life.
3. met some incredible people that will make me staying at state not only tolerable, but enjoyable.
4. started going to the living room. incredible.
5. continued to grow closer to God.

to sum it up. God took me through the mud this year. He left me battered, bruised, and bloody. He brought me to my knees in tears and begging for Him to rescue me. He brought me to my feet with loving arms, and embraced me the way only a Father could. He now gives me strength everyday to overcome any obstacle.

I now stand before you a man. A man who knows what darkness is, and knows that there is only one truth, one light, and one way.

"My dead heart now is beating, my deepest stains now clean. Your breath fills up my lungs. now i'm free, now i'm free."